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Hey I’ve been getting a lot of messages as to why I was absent for most of November and I wanted to make a statement to you guys I just haven’t really known where to start so I’ve been avoiding it, but i owe you guys the truth so here goes: TW: mention of self harm, suicidal thoughts and general discussions of mental health including mentions of depression, anxiety & eating disorders. I’ve spoken briefly about some of this on my various socials but I’m going to go into more detail now. Before the summer I was doing well, I had a really big group of friends, we met up outside loads and I felt really happy with where I was, I hadn’t been posting much on Tik Tok around late spring because I was doing my dissertation but I’d done loads better on that than I’d thought I had. In the summer I had an idea that because I hadn’t been able to have a big party for my 21st (Bcos of Covid) I wanted to do something big for my 22nd, and I was lucky enough that U.K.s Covid freedom day was just before my birthday. I decided to take all my friends on holiday for a week and have a party on the last day, I also wanted to recreate taylor swift’s 22 video as it was my 22nd and I’m a huge fan of hers. I essentially paid for the entire holiday in return for my friends participating in the video either being in it or helping with filming e.t.c., I spent a lot of money on it from my savings and even though it was a lot I thought it would be worth it because I’d have a great time with friends and would have a cool video to show after and loads of memories. The week started off really well, we had a pool and drinks and it was generally loads of fun, we didn’t start noticing towards the end of the week that a couple of individuals who had been drinking every night of the week were starting to get a little out of hand on certain points, but it was never anything that was too worrying. On the second to last night we had a party to celebrate ending of filming and my birthday, we were all rlly excited for it. After a few hours of drinking & having fun a friend came and got me and showed me that in one of the downstairs bathrooms someone had punched a large hole in the wall, I was worried about what would have made someone that aggressive but also because the owners of the place we were staying in had been really lovely and my bankcard was connected to our stay and I was worried about being charged more than I could afford for damages. I went out to the party and asked who the culprit was, two of my friends mentioned that they had noticed one of the guys at the party had been getting really aggressive as the night went on and they were worried it could’ve been him. Even though I never blamed this person he came charging out of his room and started screaming in my face about how I had accused him and was really intimidating. Loads of arguments happened that night but this one person specifically later on tried to start a physical fight with me by charging at me and called me a ‘triggered pussy’ and then proceeded to try and punch me in the face, he had to be held back by to friends of mine. I think he was angered because I had told my close friends I was scared because growing up my mums husband was an aggressive alcoholic so being around that behaviour can really scare me. One of his friends at the party also intimidated one of my good friends to the point where she was crying which I’ve never seen her do in the six years I’ve known her. His friend also punched the walls in the bathroom leaving bl00d over them and they generally trashed the house, we made them leave at around 6am and I had to spend the rest of the day cleaning. The entire night was ruined and it didn’t help that several other people I considered friends weren’t there for me at all that night or were still partying didn’t see the bits where he tried to punch me and assumed I was in the wrong without gathering any facts because they only spoke to him. It was only after several of the people who did see the whole event spoke to them that they realised there was more to what happened. I lost a lot of friends that night and felt so alone and isolated. Most of you then also know that I moved house at the start of august, because our new place needed a lot of work I didn’t have much time to focus on the friends I’d lost or how hurt I was so I threw myself into sorting out the house and was barely posting on Tik Tok and wasn’t really looking after myself much. I tried to pretend everything was okay on most of my socials when I did post so that my old friends wouldn’t see how much I was struggling since the holiday. Around September I decided to try and get back into my work and focus less on the house and by this point my mental health had started spiralling, after 2 and a half years self harm free, I relapsed and began self harming again. I tried my best to hide it on here and social media as much as I could through either through showing less on TikTok or by editing pictures I posted on here so my scars weren’t in the photo, if you did notice and didn’t say anything (because my photoshop ability is pretty lacking) then thank you for giving me the space to mention it myself rather than asking lots of intrusive questions. Because I was in a really bad mental state I wasn’t able to ignore negative comments on Tik Tok as easily especially ones about my weight (I struggled with an eating disorder in my early teens so comments on my body and weight can be especially harmful). I began to hate my body both because of my self harm scars and my weight and seeing myself on camera was something I struggled with. I sank back to a low place I had hoped to never be in again and was having suicidal thoughts, I never acted on those thoughts but it was scary being back in a place that I thought I’d recovered from. I’m now regularly seeing a therapist and can proudly say it’s been just over a month since I last self harmed and hopefully I’ll be able to continue being clean for even longer than last time. I’m still getting back to where I was and it’s a tough process so I really appreciate everyone who’s been patient on here with me. As a thank you I’m reducing my OF price by half for two months to make up for the two months I wasn’t as active on, to everyone who has sent kind messages and has still supported me through this time I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, you guys are the reason I haven’t quite social media entirely so thank you for keeping me going ❤️
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