Hello to both my kinky and non-kinky followers! Something my fellow kink educators and myself talk about is how crazy it is that certain sexual mental health techniques such as pre and continuous negotiation are considered to be just for kinky people. As I've been talking about breaking down how purity culture can negatively impact our cognitive development from childhood onward in my backup TikT0k for Shadow Work (@roseiquartzshadowrealm), a number of people have come forward in the comments section sharing how the biases and lack of education impacted their relationships. Even those who committed to "traditional" nuclear families and Man/Woman marriages report significant issues with marital satisfaction because they were promised everything would work out automatically without ever having been taught crucial life skills related specifically to sex. This month I signed up for another mutual kinky person's Patreon to sit in on their classes and a very important lesson in particular regarding psychological tools for healthy and effective negotiation, and that is "it is very important to 'Know your why.'" Essentially, knowing your why means to examine the physical and mental motivations behind your behavior and what you find satisfying. For example: I enjoy hair pulling in this position because I find it both psychologically stimulating as a bottom, and the pull releases feel-good endorphins from those nerve endings. If you struggle to convey to your partner what you need them to do, it can pay to sit back and examine your "why". If you identify as a Dom, why? What emotions do you feel when you top that keeps you coming back to it? Why? If you're a Brat, why? What response are you hoping your behavior will evoke from your environment? If you straight/cis/vanilla, what exactly is satisfying about your favorite position? Do you have things you're really drawn to or avoid? Why? When we know our "why", it's easier to explain why we're into what we're into, or provide instructions for our partner. It's also easier to find others similar to ourselves and search out the education and information to pursue that which makes our brains do the happy serotonin/dopamine. Read more
