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Dear Heavenly, May 12th was a day of mourning for me. Or, it was supposed to be. No one allowed me to peacefully celebrate or even just remember the life of my first soulmate without creating chaos around me. I have been attempting to heal ever since. Its hard. It really is. I wrote this post for my various social medias but it means everything to me so I feel I must share it here, too. āDid you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it She's still 23 inside her fantasy How it was supposed to be Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?ā May 12th. My first soulmate committed suicide on this day many years ago. I wish I could say that time went on and slowly I forgot him, but if I did I would be lying. Life didnāt get easier when I lost him. I knew that that was going be the case as soon as I heard the shrill scream of the flatline which has become the sound of my tenidus. What I didnāt expect is over six years later I would still be having dissociative episodes where I swear heās still sitting in front of me and saying the kinds of words that I no longer believe are meant for people like me because nobody since him ever bothered to say them to me. I didnāt expect that Iād live this long without the boy who saved me time and time again from situations that everyone since him have quickly abandoned me in, but I did. I kept waking up day after day, or sleeping through them, or staying awake for days on end. Nothing since his passing has ever felt the same. I knew him for more years than Iāve now been without him, and in all that time he never did anything to make me hate him so the idea of moving on is and always will be asinine to me. He loved me and left and was never cruel and thatās not fair. Iām left with no excuse capable of justifying why this happened.. He taught me to love, proved he was worthy of mine, gifted me his then left me with my too small arms struggling to hold too much love that seemingly dried up for a while but never really left me. It now seems Iām destined to live life always giving away too much of my heart but that canāt possibly be true when love still overflows out of my eyelids each and every day at the thought that he was here and he was good and he said I was too and now heās gone and.. Iām right where he left me. Read more
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